第23讲 收获交流

about change:

1. I want to shift from fake high self-esteem (actually low self-esteem and it’s dependent self-esteem) to real high self-esteem (firstly independent self-esteem, eventually unconditional self-esteem).
2. I want to be genuinely modest.
3. I can’t bare with criticism often, I want to get along well with my “beautiful enemies”, which I actually recoginzed as my friend, as my teacher.
4. Be consciously grateful, show that to others with behavior.
5. I will not be a perfectionism, I will try to accept failure as an inevitable, I will try to accept the deviation from the straight line. Improvement, growth and permission.

about routine

1. I want to express my thanks to the person who gives me advice or help, that should be appreciated genuinely in mind, but also with behaviors in reality. I will say thanks and offer them free milk fruit tea or a nice meal.
2. I want be nice to others, to reach the level where unconditional self-esteem stands, it means that I will not divide the world into two characters, as me and others, but only one character as ourselves, it means that I will offer help to others and feel happy from a true heart when they get their success.
3. I will cope, I will put myself on the line with something that I get nervous and even scared, because I want to get my further improvement.
4. Be myself and express myself more often.

note about questions in final lesson

So much of our lives is about “either or”.
Either I’m a successful rat racer or I’m a hedonist who has given up essentiallly on success. Whereas what we can very often do is reconcile the two.
Future benefit and present benefit in one.

Permission to be human.
It’s really on so many levels the foundation of well being. And unfortunately too much in our culture today what is going on is what I call “The great deception”, where we think well everyone is doing great except for me. So I’m going to pretend that I’m doing great too. And then we become part of that great deception, reinforcing it.

Five minutes to take-off.

Fake it until make it.

Learn to fail and fail to learn, there is no other way to learn. And if We accept it, we are much happier for it.

弹幕：“这个很有启发，不是说赞美、名誉不能带来快乐，而是期待其带来快乐是错误的期望”

Doing less is more. Quantity affects quality.

The concept of simplicity on the other side of complexity is so awful for me, because you know, when you grow up in life, you add all these variable and it becomes more and more complicated. And as a is certain frustration about not being able to simplify. But you say at the top of complexity is when you realize the beauty, realizing that the simplicity comes after complexity, not before complexity. And the knowledge of complexity, that’s an amazing concept.
Very often we go through hardships and our life is so difficult. We go through a crisis, through a crucible. And what we need to do to understand when we are going through that complexity and hardship and the crucible and the difficulties is that is simplicity on the other side. Very often all we need to do is hang on. Just wait a little bit longer. And there will be clarity, more growth, more development, more joy at the end of it.

Beliefs in self-fulfilling prophecies so often create the world, our world and the world of those around us based on our beliefs.

What is meaningful to me? What is pleasurable to me? What am I good at? Question starts a quest. And the kind of the quest they start depends on the quality of the question that we ask.
Beliefs create reality. Not only beliefs, but to a great extent, how we perceive reality is what actally comes true.

Two thing distinguish the extraordinary from the rest:
One was that they were always asking question, always want to learn more, having that humbleness that’s so important for growth and well being and self esteem.
And second, they believed in themselves. They had confidence. They had the self efficacy to successd and to thrive.

How do we improve the belief?
By putting ourselves on the line, by coping, by taking risks, by showing ourselves that we do it through visualizaion.

There is no shortcut to success. Learn to fail and fail to learn.
Moreover if we accept this, if we accept this growth mindset as opposed to fixed mindset that Carol Dweck talks about it. Not only we will be, improve more, we will also be happier, because then not every experience is a threat to our ego, to our self, to our self esteem. If we accept the failure is inevitable whether in a relationship, there are disappointments and arguments, or in individual life or on a national level. No perfect country, no perfect person, no perfect organization. And if we understand that life is an upward spiral as opposed to about a straight line, we’ll be so much happier, so much calmer and paradoxically so much more successful.

Permission to be human.
No one experience constant high. Accept bad emotion.

Journaling works.
When we share, when we open up, we are able to make sense (a sense of coherence in the words of Antonovsky) about the experiences of our lives and enjoy higher levels of happiness.

There are so many treasures of happiness all around us and within us. And the question is do we notice them? Or do we take them for granted?
Remember the word, appreciate, It has two meanings:
One is to say think you for something which is nice thing to do. Gratitude is the highest of virtues, it’s a nice thing to be grateful.
The second meaning is no less important, appreciate means to grow.
And when we appreciate the good in our lives, when we appreciate the good in our relationship, when we appreciate our partner, our friends, our classmates, when we appreciate our country, the goods grows.
Unfortunately the opposite is also the case. When we don’t appreciate, the good depreciates.
The important thing is focusing on what works. Appreciate it so that it appreciates.

There can be too much of a good thing. Easier said than done to simplify.
But remember that a much better predictor of well being than material affluence is time affulence.
Simplify. Assert yourself. Say no at times when it’s appropriate.
Find out what you really, really want to do with your life and do it.

The No.1 predictor of well being: relationships, an intimate relationship that you cultivate now and in the future, matters more than anything else in the world.
And to cultivate relationship means to invest in them, to put time in them. To share, to open up.

Body mind connection:
Exercise. Exercise at least four times a week for 30 minutes.
Some formal yoga or mindful meditation, setting meditation.
If not, at least breath, breath deeply a few times a day. Three deep breath can make a big difference.
Sleep. 8 hours night sleep.
Touch: hug, embrace.

Be known rather than be validated.
First and foremost being known, expressing rather impressing.
Life becomes so much lighter, so much eaiser, so much more exciting when we are about expressing ourselves.
The foundation of growth of intimacy and passion in long term relationship.

about change

bring the above 10 points together.

Introduce behavioral changes now. This is the core of change.

life long process to learn, to change.

Happiness is contagious.

exotic 异国情调的，国外的

That’s all, let’s say thank you for Tal. And remember all the changes that we want to make in the future days.